Happy July 4th!

My brothers, sister and I have been discussing whether or not our mother needs to be in assisted living. Our mother is 70, is disabled from a fall she took two years ago, has lupus and has something called normal pressure hydrocephalus. I believe she would be much better off in assisted living, where there would be someone there to keep an eye on her. I believe my sister agrees with me. A couple of my brothers think she should be in subsidized senior housing, and the other two are dealing with their own lives right now and have been very supportive, but not overly involved. (This is not criticism. I understand where my brothers are right now and I want them to take care of themselves.)

My mother, of course, wants to stay independent but she is inconsistent in her ability to care for herself. She was sick in December of 06 and didn't go to the doctor until I made her an appointment and drove her there. Then she said she knew she couldn't drive herself but didn't want to ask me because she knows I don't like to take her to the doctor. She's absolutely right. I hate taking her to the doctor, but in a critical situation, of course I would. So what do we do about this very big mess? We can't force her to do anything, but her apartment complex is under new management and there are renovations planned and she may need to move anyway. I don't think it makes sense for her to move to another unit when, realistically, she's just one episode away from assisted living anyway. I think subsidized senior housing is not the answer. My mother has some money, not an endless supply, but enough for her to maintain her current standard of living for the next 5-7 years. I'm in a "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" mindset when it comes to the money. She also is used to living in relatively affluent surroundings. I don't see her going from her current apartment complex where she can sit outside with her dog and putter in her planter garden, to areas where robberies are a regular Saturday night event. I believe that she deserves to maintain some dignity. She has lost a lot in the last few years. I guess I feel it is our job keep her safe, physically and emotionally and not just let our concern for her financial state dictate our decisions.

Because I am geographically closest to my mother, I have been making many phone calls on her behalf, getting her on waiting lists for aid, as well as arranging assessments with the county so we can get an objective view of her current physical and emotional state. I have arranged tours of assisted living facilities for next week when my sister and one brother come into town. I am no saint. I do realize that everyone does what they can to help. Our mother is a difficult person. She can be unkind, manipulative and she often changes her stories to suit her audience. I understand if my siblings can only call her once a month. I don't begrudge them that. I will draw the line, however, at being given recommendations for things I should be doing by people who are capable of doing those things themselves.

So how do we manage this difficult process as a family without huge wedges being driven between us? I spent 40 minutes on the phone this morning with one brother. During the conversation he repeatedly told me he doesn't see the point in our other brother coming to visit next week because he won't provide and useful input and he's only doing it so he doesn't feel guilty. Meanwhile, I'm thinking to myself, "I don't see that you've done anything, either." I didn't say anything because there's no point. I'm trying to look at this as an issue with our mother. It's about her, not about who's done the most, is capable of doing more, etc. If I feel like my advocating for my mother gets in the way of the rest of my life, I'll tell my sister and take a break. In the meantime, I'll do what I can and try not to get too annoyed with the rest of the family.